


Whatever it is we have

by MaplePaizley



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Post-Reynolds Pamphlet, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, cw abuse mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 03:49:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10982742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaplePaizley/pseuds/MaplePaizley
Summary: In the wake of the Reynolds Pamphlet, Alexander and Eliza find out that they're expecting. Getting excited about a new baby is hard when your spouse barely talks to you (Modern!)





	Whatever it is we have

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This is my first fic, so any advice would be v. appreciated! :)

Alexander stretched out on the bed, languidly taking his time getting up. He was hoping to prolong the time until he had to accept that he and Eliza were still fighting and she would spend the day ignoring him, only talking to him for the sake of preserving their younger children’s sense of normalcy. Things had been tense between the two of them since she had found out about Maria, and she still hadn’t forgiven him. He had only recently been allowed to share her bed at night when, he suspected, she had realized that their shared libido was a huge part of the reason they had gotten along so well to begin with. “Fuck” Alex heard Eliza’s muttered curse in the bathroom, bolting up in alarm. Eliza never swore; it was one of the rules she was strictest about enforcing with their kids. In happier times, she had often joked that it was to counteract his own bad habits- all of their children had picked up his… colorful vocabulary as soon as they could talk. 

When she didn’t come back to bed, he started to walk towards the bathroom. “Eliza?” 

She stumbled into the room clumsily. “I’m pregnant”, she mumbled, face ashen. 

He stared at her dumbstruck. “Who’s…?” 

“Yours obviously, idiot”, she snapped angrily. “I meant my wedding vows.” 

“You can’t blame me for asking”, he said defensively. “It’s not like it’s been frequent.” 

Eliza moaned quietly as she sat down heavily on the bed. “We should have been more careful” she cried, her voice quavering. “What are we going to do?” 

“Hey, hey, hey”, he murmured comfortingly, wrapping his arms around her, the first time in a while he had been able to hold her with such intimacy. “We’re going to figure this out, it’s going to be okay.” He reveled in the feeling of her in his arms, the smell of her hair, the way her body had evolved to fit against his after so many years together. 

He felt her relax against him for the barest fraction of a second before she tensed up. “Don’t touch me Alexander”, she said sharply. “I mean it.” 

He sighed, acquiescing and shifting to the other side of the bed. “Eliza, I know you’re still angry, and you absolutely have every right to be, but we need to think of the new baby now.” 

“We don’t need to do anything”, she snarled. “We became I the second you decided to screw a twenty something still in grad school.”

“You’re not being reasonable”, he muttered defiantly. “This is my thing too now.” 

“You’re not going to have to carry it around for nine months” she growled. Her irritation broke as she raked her hands through her hair, sighing expressively. “I’m serious, Alexander. We barely talk to each other as is, how can we bring a new child into this mess?”

“Do you want to…?” He couldn’t bring himself to suggest it. Each of Eliza’s pregnancies had been full of excitement as they looked forward to meeting the new little person they would bring into the world together, only eclipsed by the joy he felt upon meeting his children. The thought of that being taken away, even if it was a new development, shook him to his core. 

“I don’t know”, she murmured. “Maybe it would be best?” 

“Yeah”, he shrugged noncommittally. 

“Well, how do you feel about it?” she asked impatiently. 

Alexander glanced at her helplessly. “I don’t want to tell you what to do.” 

“You’re not”, she said shortly. “I’m asking for your opinion.” Alexander turned his head, avoiding her gaze. Eliza sighed heavily. “As messed up as whatever our marriage has become is Alexander, you are a good father, and you are part of this.” 

“You’re a wonderful mother”, Alexander responded quickly, in a desperate attempt to avoid crying. “The children are lucky to have you. I know I don’t deserve you.” 

“You don’t”, Eliza said, but there was a glimmer of amusement in her eyes. 

“I don’t think you should get an abortion”, he said, looking her in the eye. “I know that we’re in a bad place, but I love our children, and I want to work to make this better.” 

“It’s not that easy, Alex”, Eliza sighed. “This new baby isn’t an excuse to try to get back into my good graces. You had your chance to work on our marriage a long time ago.” Alex nodded dejectedly, keeping his eyes downcast. “That being said”, Eliza mused, placing a hand on her belly, “I’m inclined to agree with you.” 

Alex’s head shot up, surprise and joy glowing in his face. “So we’re doing this?” 

Eliza gave him a small smile. “I love our children so much it hurts. I would know what I was missing if I terminated this pregnancy now.”   
“I love you”, Alex breathed. “We’re having another baby!” 

He reached out for her, but Eliza stepped back, putting her hands out to stop him, her face and body language suddenly guarded. “This changes nothing Alexander.” 

“This changes everything, Eliza!” 

“I’ll keep the baby”, Eliza said softly. “But this doesn’t change anything that’s happened between us.” 

“What do you mean?” Alex asked tremulously. 

“You’re my husband”, Eliza said quietly. “You’ll always be my husband. But you’ll never be able to undo what you’ve done to our family.” 

“Never’s a long time”, Alex quipped weakly. 

Eliza’s eyes hardened. “Not long enough.”

“Is there anything I can do to convince you of how sorry I am?” 

“No, because that’s your problem!” Eliza cried, furious. “You don’t understand any of this! I don’t care how sorry you are; I’ve known you long enough to know how you morally justified whatever it was you had with that girl.”

“What do you mean by ‘morally justified’?” Alex asked, his voice low and dangerous. 

“She was scared, wasn’t she”, Eliza spat. “She came to you for help, needed to get away from her abusive husband for a few hours, and you were only too happy to take advantage of her. You have a white knight complex, Alexander, and a kink for helpless women.” 

“You aren’t being fair, Eliza” Alex snapped. 

Eliza barked out a short, humorless laugh. “I’m sorry, am I painting your affair in the wrong light?” Alexander stood there silently, struck dumb as Eliza relished the affect her words had on him. “You don’t have any kind of moral high ground here, Alexander, please stop pretending that you do.” 

“You’re acting like this is all black and white Eliza, and frankly, it’s not”, Alex hissed venomously. 

“It seems like it is from my understanding.” 

“My point, exactly.” 

“For Christ’s sake could you stop being such a condescending ass for a minute?” Eliza yelled irritably. “How did you turn a discussion about our unborn child into a debate about the ethical semantics of your infidelity?” 

Alex glared at her, Eliza meeting his stare defiantly. Part of her recognized that this staring contest was remarkable infantile for the two of them- Alex the treasury secretary, well on his way to becoming president someday, and Eliza the PhD candidate who had opened a successful non-for-profit orphanage. Still, she was thrilled when he broke first, turning away, and angrily muttering to himself about needing one of the cigarettes that she had banned when they had gotten married. He threw himself down dramatically on the bed. After a moment’s hesitation, she joined him. They sat next to each other, almost touching but not quite, heads turned forward. 

“Was I condescending before Maria?” Alex asked quietly. 

“Unbelievably”, Eliza muttered. 

Alex shifted uncomfortably on the bed. “Eliza…would we have been okay if the affair hadn’t happened?” 

Eliza sighed. “I don’t know. We had issues. I suppose she was just the end result of some of them.” 

“But what do you think?” he urged. 

“I like to think that we were still happy”, Eliza turned to him. “You worked too much, and you forgot about a lot of important things.” The emotional intimacy he had with her sister had grated on her too, but that was a can of worms that Eliza refused to open. Whatever he and Angelica were, Eliza trusted her sister enough to know that either it was inconsequential, or Angelica had decided that it was best that Eliza didn’t know. “We’ve been married over ten years though, and we still have a sex life. That’s more than most couples can say.” 

“What we have can’t boil down to just sex”, Alex protested. 

“Why can’t it?” Eliza asked dejectedly. “Our marriage is all but over, and the sex is the only thing that survived totally unscathed.” 

“I still love you”, Alex said softly. “I still love your kindness, how ferociously you protect your loved ones, the care you take with everything you do. I love seeing you with our kids. You’re the best mother they could ask for.” 

“Thank you”, Eliza murmured. 

“I promise I’m never going to stop trying to fix this.”  
Eliza sighed. “I know.” 

“And whatever we have to work through, I’m excited about this”, Alex said softly. He reached out for her stomach, but Eliza recoiled. “Eliza?” 

“This baby isn’t a fresh start, Alexander”, she said firmly, standing up and pulling on pants. “Make sure you drop off the kids at school. I’ll call the doctor and schedule an appointment.” 

“Will you text me when you’re done?” he asked hopefully. 

Eliza didn’t even pause as she floated out the door. “Sure”, she called over her shoulder. 

Alex waited a few moments more, until he heard the front door open and close, before padding downstairs to his office to change. Standing in his makeshift bedroom, the reality of Eliza’s assessment of their marriage hit him more starkly, but he couldn’t hide a goofy smile as he considered everything that had happened. She had softened: let herself be vulnerable in front of him for the first time since the affair. She might not ever be able to fully forgive him, but suddenly, Alex was poignantly struck with the idea that not everything was lost. And if Eliza ever decided to grace him with her trust again, he would be waiting.


End file.
